“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
In years past, now would be about the time of year my brain went into overdrive striving, trying and failing to prepare my youngest for the slew of standardized exams necessary to proceed to the next grade level. Despite all of my worry, there was absolutely nothing I could do to help Lan with those exams.
It was simply out of my control.
As I grow older (and hopefully wiser), I realize how very much in “life” is out of my control. When I was younger I was taught if you “do the right thing” you will end up with a “good result.”
That hasn’t always proven true.
Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to “bad” people.
There is seemingly no rhyme or reason as we all navigate very distinct paths in life.
Some “stuff” like autism, cancer, ALS and Alzheimer’s come upon us out of nowhere and debunk any illusion that we control our own lives.
The problem I had with this is that I expected to control my life. I sought to plan, plot and otherwise chart my destiny. And I expected to do so with minimal obstacles in my path to “success.”
Little did I know how years later my entire illusion of “life” would crash and burn. There was a small window in my life where I had to process two births, two deaths, two cross country moves, a new job and finally that pervasive non-developmental disorder diagnosis which was the equivalent of “wait and see.”
Wait and see!?
That’s what the psychiatrist said as we left his office with more questions than we arrived with.
Worry became second nature. What if this? What if that? What in the world are we going to do? I felt broken trying to hold together the fragments of my life that kept shifting away from me. Only when I gave up and surrendered to God could I breathe again and live.
Not exist, but live!
Now the uncertainties that would haunt me as Lan talks of college (college!) are where, how and at what cost? How is he ever going to survive the “real” world?
My answer now nearly fourteen years later is again, “wait and see.”
However, I now “wait and see,” with optimism. I anticipate a good result without the logistical nightmare of trying to “fix” everything that is imperfect in my life.
Just like in the old days with those exams, I couldn’t help Lan. Yet, God did place in our lives wonderful teachers, tutors and support staff that could!
I simply sit back in amazement over how far God has not brought us! Why would He remove His favor from us now?
I am no longer constrained by fears for the future. I trust Him and let go.
So I “fret not” and “fear not” over my lack of “control.” God does a far better job with “me” than I ever did.
Fear is anticipating the worst.
Faith is anticipating the best!
I can control which one I allow to dictate my thoughts and actions.
Which do you choose?