Anticipation!

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

In years past, now would be about the time of year my brain went into overdrive striving, trying and failing to prepare my youngest for the slew of standardized exams necessary to proceed to the next grade level. Despite all of my worry, there was absolutely nothing I could do to help Lan with those exams.

It was simply out of my control.

As I grow older (and hopefully wiser), I realize how very much in “life” is out of my control. When I was younger I was taught if you “do the right thing” you will end up with a “good result.”

That hasn’t always proven true.

Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to “bad” people.

There is seemingly no rhyme or reason as we all navigate very distinct paths in life.

Some “stuff” like autism, cancer, ALS and Alzheimer’s come upon us out of nowhere and debunk any illusion that we control our own lives.

The problem I had with this is that I expected to control my life. I sought to plan, plot and otherwise chart my destiny. And I expected to do so with minimal obstacles in my path to “success.”

Little did I know how years later my entire illusion of “life” would crash and burn. There was a small window in my life where I had to process two births, two deaths, two cross country moves, a new job and finally that pervasive non-developmental disorder diagnosis which was the equivalent of “wait and see.”

Wait and see!?

That’s what the psychiatrist said as we left his office with more questions than we arrived with.

Worry became second nature. What if this? What if that? What in the world are we going to do? I felt broken trying to hold together the fragments of my life that kept shifting away from me. Only when I gave up and surrendered to God could I breathe again and live.

Not exist, but live!

Now the uncertainties that would haunt me as Lan talks of college (college!) are where, how and at what cost? How is he ever going to survive the “real” world?

My answer now nearly fourteen years later is again, “wait and see.”

However, I now “wait and see,” with optimism. I anticipate a good result without the logistical nightmare of trying to “fix” everything that is imperfect in my life.

Just like in the old days with those exams, I couldn’t help Lan. Yet, God did place in our lives wonderful teachers, tutors and support staff that could!

anticipation 2015 atsm blog.jpg panzy 2I’ve seen God place the right people in the right positions to advocate for our child. God provided solutions for high-school years prior in elementary school!

I simply sit back in amazement over how far God has not brought us! Why would He remove His favor from us now? 

I am no longer constrained by fears for the future.  I trust Him and let go.

So I “fret not” and “fear not” over my lack of “control.” God does a far better job with “me” than I ever did.

Fear is anticipating the worst.

Faith is anticipating the best!

can control which one I allow to dictate my thoughts and actions.

Which do you choose?

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15 thoughts on “Anticipation!”

  1. Love this so much , Lilka . . .especially with having a child with special needs and. PDDNOS diagnosis. I still have no idea what is going to happen next, but I know that He told me that He would make a way for us. I am holding onto that, for He is true and faithful! God bless you and your faith in Jesus!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes He will Debbie! Those fifteen years ago, I didn’t have a clue. But God was faithful and had the people and resources I needed every step of the way. I began this blog to encourage others. When our “walk on the spectrum” began I felt all alone and none of the people I knew had a clue about what I was dealing with. God has done and IS DOING some very amazing things. Just trust Him. If I’ve learned only one thing from my experience, it is “trust God and everything else will be okay.” Peace to you! 🙂

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  2. Beautiful testimony to how God has blessed you and your family, by finding favour with those who have come alongside and helped you all, especially Lan. Praying for favour is my heart cry, as my daughter struggles on. I have recently suffered a blow. Apparantely I am the cause of my daughter’s severe anxiety, according to one visit she had with a psychiatrist, who met my daughter for the first time for one hour. I am praying for God’s calm as none of this makes sense but I have to hold firm in my faith that He is in control and that somehow, good will come out of all of this. Thank you for your beautiful message dear Lilka, exhorting me to stand firm. And I am deeply encouraged by your journey, bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Sherri,

      Sometimes we just have to push through! I dealt with a psychologist courtesy of the school system that gave us a similar answer. She pegged Landon as depressed, anxious and I forget what all else. But she was wrong! We took him to another physician, someone we trusted and were given a clearer diagnosis. Don’t receive that bad report! I just KNOW that you are doing everything possible for you girl. Don’t let those words (that may not be true) tear you down.
      I will admit God has shown me how to let go and back off from time to time when necessary and I have learned how to pinpoint behaviors that indicate Lan is getting close to a breaking point. I have also learned that my pushing and prodding have brought out much more in him than someone who treats him like fragile china.
      God will show you. It was not overnight. I did shed some tears but God will do it! This year is the first year Lan has felt confident and spoken up for himself and taken on more responsibility for his happiness and well being. I know this is a tough road but don’t give up! The Son is just on the other side of that dark cloud. I will definitely pray on this for you. I pray God’s peace for you so you can hear Him and His guidance for your baby girl. The breakthrough WILL come!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much Lilka, for your prayers and understanding. I learnt to back off too, and my daughter has been seeing an Asperger psycologist for 18 months now, and was making good progress, but it is this psychiatrist who made this judgement call and totally misunderstood my daughter. Because my daughter was an adult when she was diagnosed, it has been hard for me to be viewed as not only her mother, but as her carer and advocate too. She finds it hard to express what she really means when she is stressed and when she said that even when at home she is anxious, when home is her sanctuary and safe place, it was twisted as ‘problems in the home’. This letter is now with our family doctor, the mental health team and the Asperger team. Totally untrue. Since my daughter wants me with her at her appointments, they think that I am putting pressure on her but I do what my daughter wants. They can’t have it both ways! The psychiatrist also presumed that my daughter finds my support ‘overwhelming’. Note, she presumed. My daughter told her the complete opposite. So we have a huge mess to clear up. I would appreciate your prayers especially for tomorrow when my daughter meets with them both for a review of her medication (which we are not sure about) and then alone with her psycologist, who she trusts, to talk about the letter. This has caused my daughter a great deal of stress too and this feels like a major setback because of the words of one so-called professional. We need all the guidance and wisdom we can get! Bless you my friend for your encouragement.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Lovely and encouraging faith fulfilled, Lilka! You prove that hope springs eternal and that faith is the answer to all of life’s problems. I’ll pray for you and Lan for this “wait and see” to be even more beautiful. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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